Welcome to Prodigal Parenting

You poured your life into your child. You sacrificed for them. You worked long hours to give them the best things, the best food, the best home, the best education you could afford. You tried your best to be the kind of parent you knew God wanted you to be. You listened. You encouraged. You prayed. You spent quality and quantity time with your child. You applied the best practices of modern and ancient parenting wisdom. You said, “I love you,” a million times. You thought you had a bond that could not be broken.

But now that cute little baby, that adorable toddler, that delightful child has grown up and has rejected all of that. He has gone in the exact opposite direction of all of your hopes and dreams for their future and your relationship.

The hoped for payoff of a mature, close, meaningful relationship did not materialize as you rightfully expected. Everything has gone terribly wrong. It seems all your efforts at raising a kind, thoughtful, respectful, loving young adult has all come to naught.

You no longer exist, unless they need something. So, you keep giving money, hoping that he or she will recognize your “unconditional” love. Then, surely they will come to their senses.

Despite all of your efforts, nothing happens. You feel like you failed your child, you failed God, you failed at the most important mission in life - to raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adult. You’re filled with confusion, shame, regrets, if-only’s, and fear. You spend your days and frequent wake-ups in the night wondering what you did wrong, and trying desperately to somehow change the past. 

You live with a burning hole in your heart. Disbelief, confusion and rejection make it seem like the end of the world. In a way, it is. Having a prodigal child is the end of the illusion that if you do everything “right” and all that you possibly can for your child, you will have a healthy, “normal” relationship.

And to top it off, your “friends,” even in the church seem to look askance, as if asking what you did to your child to make him or her so rebellious. So you’ve learned to be vague when people ask about your child because it’s just too heartbreaking to tell the truth to the wrong people - the ones with no clue, and the parents of adult children who are doing well in life. You’re more and more isolated by the shame, regret, and confusion that only a rejected parent feels.

Welcome to the world of prodigal pain

There are many reasons why adult children feel the need to create distance from parents: drugs, alcohol, bad company, mental illness, and just that plain, old fashioned self-focus that is part of being human. But today, with social media there is no shortage of voices suggesting that if something is wrong in their lives, it’s the parents’ fault. They were “abused,” “neglected,” or somehow not supplied with whatever lack they now feel. They’re not even thinking of what their rejection may do to you or other family members. It’s all about the hurt they feel.

Of course you made mistakes. All parents make many mistakes. But in well-adjusted families, forgiveness happens and life goes on, relationships grow through talking over hurts with apologies and forgiveness. But with prodigals, resentment seems to be the order of the day, and it can take a long, long time for a prodigal to realize that he or she may be drinking the poison of unforgiveness, believing they are somehow “getting even” for perceived wrongs - wrongs that you may not even be aware of.

Of course, whatever harm that you caused was inadvertent. No one intentionally causes pain for their child. But in an immature young adult’s mind, coping may mean separation from you, the person who loves them the most, regardless of all of the great parenting you did. One unintended slight can be enough to wipe out the memories of a thousand kindnesses. It’s not because they are being mean. It’s that they do not yet have the coping skills to deal with it on the mature basis that takes many of us years to learn. You are the authority figure that they are afraid to confront and have an adult conversation with. So they run, hide, and try to deal with it the best they can. 

No other pain is like prodigal pain because, you know that it can be resolved with honest communication - something that takes willingness on both sides. You can’t unscramble the egg of miscommunication by yourself. 

So, you finally get to the point of Step One - you admit that you are powerless over your adult child’s memories, feelings, and decisions. And you know that only God can fix this problem. He specializes in the impossible, right? 

So you’re at Step Two - you not only believe, but you beg God to restore you to sanity. To help you deal with this craziness!

Now comes the really hard part: Step Three - to make a decision, and take the action, to turn your will concerning your prodigal over to God - asking only that His will be done in your life, and in your prodigal’s life. 

The reason it is so hard is that God has a plan that you are not aware of. What if His will is to take your prodigal through some very painful and scary trials? As a parent, every fiber of your being is geared to protect him or her from danger. You’ve spent your entire parental life doing just that. Now you have to let go and truly trust. Not just say you trust, but actually do it - day in and day out - hour by hour - minute by minute! 

Surrendering your child will be the toughest adjustment you will ever have to make.

But fear not. Take heart. There is hope. The good news is that it is God’s will that your child be healed, that your relationship be restored, and that both you and your prodigal will gain some priceless treasures from this trial. Treasures you can find in no other way.

God wants your prodigal to return - for your sake, for the prodigal child’s sake, and for His Glory. Like He did for Job, God will bring your family through this if you handle it well. Handling it well means that You, the parent, will need to press into Him daily, hourly, minute by minute, to build your faith and completely trust Him for your prodigal’s well-being.

This trial did not come without His knowledge or permission. He will use it for your highest good, and for your child’s highest good. The purpose of the trials that He allows in our lives is to draw us closer, deeper, and completely to Himself. He is a jealous God, and as long as we are putting all of our hope in our prodigal’s return, we are making an idol of our child and falling way short of His will for us. He wants all of us. He wants all of our prodigal. This is the path. This is the only way to have victory over this most dreadful situation.

You may be thinking, “yes, my child really needs God, that’s what will fix him,” but this is really more about you than your prodigal. This is your trial. This is your path. This is your cross to bear.

Are you willing to let go of your idol? Letting go doesn’t mean to abandon. It means to release your child into His care. His care is far beyond anything you could provide. You give your child to the God who created them. He will provide, comfort, and guide them better than you ever could.

Your only hope - and your prodigal’s only hope - is for you to let go of all of your own ideas as to how to reconcile. 

This is not a one-time decision. It takes a thousand surrenders sometimes. Maybe a million or two. But it is the only way for you to make room for God to be God in your child’s life.

If you need some help I can perhaps offer some support based on my own experience. I can’t promise anything other than to remind you of the truth that God has a better plan for your child than you do. 

You can email me at jesseduke@icloud.com and I’ll send you a phone number where we can talk. 

Here are some podcasts and websites that can be very helpful to understand your child and yourself  as you navigate this new reality. I recommend them as a courtesy to you because I have found them to be informative.  I don't have any relationship with any of the authors or podcasters. And I make no guarantee that  you will find them as helpful as I did. But here they are in no specific order: 

The Reconciliation Club Podcast,  with Tina Gilbertson:

https://open.spotify.com/show/18liwstWoSpYgmxSp5d8Sn?si=08e045d906434008

The Reconciled Relationships Podcast,  with Sally Harris:

https://open.spotify.com/show/1jGJ1VGchADlJ2U5hAQTWN?si=baf254397c4d44e2

Estrangement: Turning Pain into Peace, with Becky Kolb:

https://open.spotify.com/show/6Uk4kuy9zvXa1TJ3D2Jbv9?si=a2c8fb1f00394f54

Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of "Rules of Estrangement" :

https://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/

I will list helpful books also as time goes on.